During my career as a forensic psychologist, I have dealt with hundreds of criminal cases of domestic violence and abuse. Not all cases ended with the demise of the individual, but some involved the death of one or both of the partners in the relationship. To the well adjusted person, it is quite blatant that by the time couples are resorting to the use of physical weapons, their relationship is suffering some very serious troubles.

The thing most people fail to realize is that the vast majority of relationship damages are not caused by physical weapons or violence. The damage done without guns and knives kills more relationships than that done with physical violence. And, just what exactly, are these weapons?

Communication!

INXS preforms a song that is one of the songs that I really like called "The Devil Inside" and in it they sing about the frailties of people. At one point in the song they sing a line that expresses my thoughts better than I can, "Words as weapons sharper than knives. Makes you wonder how the other half dies." When they sing that line, they are referring to women, but I think it also applies to men.

We have all heard the children's rhyme "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me", but in truth, this is quite the opposite. Name calling and harsh words are terribly abusive and undermining in ways that are quite difficult to rebuild. Many people are also taught that once they say they are sorry, the damage has been repaired, but as all of us know, this is not the case. Hurtful words are never really forgotten, even with the best of intentions.

It has been said that one can't un-ring a bell that's already been rung. This is just as valid with respect to verbal abuse. You can't fully undo the harm of a hurtful rant. An apology is rather like a bandage on the wound, which helps it heal properly but can't eliminate the eventual scar. The pain you inflict with words may not be have the visibility of an actual cut, but can run just as deep.